Fried Lice????

On a trip to Bangkok for some year ago I quickly learned that the Thai people had a hard time to pronounce the letter R it always came out as L. This could be very confusing for a Viking like me.

When I entered the hotel as was greeted with a big smile and Velly Wellcome soel. That made me smile a bit.
Everybody was “welly flendly” to me in Bangkok I must say. I just had to figure out what they said all the time witch made the days a little longer and more exciting.

One evening I decided to get a bite to eat at Bangkok’s, then the largest outdoor restaurant. I took a taxi and was very excited to see and have a feel of authentic Thai food.
When I arrived I was amazed to see all the waitresses and waiters on Rollerblades speeding like demons between the tables occasionally running over a slower guest.

It was now time to check the menu. There were things that you only could find in the Bible, like fried snake head, whole fried pigeon and many more sweet animals to show of on your plate. As a Swede I decided to go for vegetable soup and at least believe I have saved a pigeon to have a favor with the animal God.

I really wanted to have some bread to my soup and here all hell broke loose in communication with the waitress.

I asked do you have bread; she looked like she came from space and just said no bleed. I asked for a pen and paper and started to draw the best I could a piece of bread and showed with my body language how to cut the bread. She just looked at me again and said very short just no bleed. I gave up and asked, what could you offer instead then?

She thought for some time and said with a smile “only flied lice soel” This was the straw for me, I did not want to eat the big animals on the menu and now she wanted me to eat the microscopically ones, maybe they could have fried all the mosquitoes that feed on my legs during my stay there instead then I could have got even with those bloodsuckers.

Until today I praise Burger King and all their meat that is hidden between bread and salad so I don’t have to stare the animals in their eyes when I put them between my lips and chew them.

Why feed a dog?

I just got a real big guard dog for my house in the subdivision since I heard that there had been many of my neighbors that had been robbed lately. I did not want a local dog since them often ends up on a plate down here as a good meal believe it or not.

I decided to buy a Doberman killer machine. When I got it a Sunday morning it was a party ay my home everybody loved the dog. It fast became the favorite pet in the house. I grow very close to my dog and treated him like a king. Night time he was guarding our house and he did a real good job, nobody could come near the house without him barking and telling us all that somebody was to close.

After three years living with us it was time for me to go back to my home country for a short visit of 14 days. I was a little nervous to leave my dog with the maid but was thinking that with a right communication she would be able to handle the dog.

I had a meeting with her the day before I left and gave her a written instruction how to take care of my dog. In the letter it said,

Feed the dog twice a day
Go out for a walk with him daily for at least 1 hour
See that he always will have fresh water
On Sundays take a longer walk with him
Treat him like a person

I thought this was clear and easy to understand.

I left for Sweden and I called twice to here that all was ok and she always answered me no problem Sir your dog is ok.

When I arrived back and was riding a taxi from the airport I couldn’t wait to see my dog. The taxi drove up to our house and I was running in to meet my favorite pet of all times. To my horror I saw that he was just lying down and did not even move, at a closer look I saw that he was looking like he came from a prison camp. He WAS skin and bones. He had rashes all over his body and was in real bad shape. I rushed back to the taxi and asked him to drive us to a veterinarian ASAP, at the veterinarian the saw directly that he had allergies and was malnourished. They put him on dextrose and it took a couple of days and hundreds of dollars to get him back in shape again.

I had a long talk to the maid and asked her straight out WHAT THE HECK happened, did you feed him? Yes Sir, did you follow my note? Yes sir. Then I changed my strategy and asked, what did you feed him? She answered sardines Sir. I got so upset and shouted DOGS eat meat CATS eat fish….do you understand. She looked at me with her big brown eyes and said Yes Sir. I was not satisfied so I said again do you understand, and got the same answer.

Three weeks later I had invited 20 of my closest friends over for a grill party at my house and since I have been in the food business and working as a food and beverages manager in Sweden I had planned ahead and had bought 5 kilos of the finest meat that I could find down here. I had made mashed potatoes salad and filled up the cooler with beverages and was now ready to get the meat out of the freezer so I could start to barbecue it since the guest would arrive in an hour. When I opened the freezer the meat was gone, I panicked and called the maid. I asked her have you seen the meat I bought. She looked at me scared and said DOGS eat meat CATS eat fish Sir.

Until today I can still see my dog licking his mouth.

The Door

In 1989 I was on my way down the stairs from my office on the third floor, when I arrived to the ground level were we had our food storage I saw that the door was open. It was a door that I had imported from Sweden a real heavy door with a barn key, this so nobody should be able to brake in or things could be taken out without my knowledge. I had given the barn key to our store manager let’s call him Albert.

I was now standing right in front of the storeroom and saw three rats big as cats running out from the store room, honestly I am big but I jump higher than any Asian cat and sounded like a wounded mouse. After I cooled down I called the attention of Albert and asked him why in the heck he allowed the store room door to be opened. I was so angry maybe because I lost my status as a Viking when I jumped and screamed in front of all the workers.

I now told Albert that I did not want that door to be opened anymore and he promised me by saying in a very nice way “promise Sir” I went on to my daily tasks and did not think about it anymore.

The next day to my horror I saw that the door was opened again, I lost my Swedish calm and shouted to little Albert “I don’t ever want to see this door open again, Do you understand, next time I will see it opened again I will fire you, do you understand?” He looked down on the floor and answered with a low voice “yes sir” Now I had made my point and I was sure it would work out to everybody’s best. I thought that my communication with Albert was crystal clear so I was back to my Swedish calm spirit again.

The next morning it was inventory day and I called Albert to my office and said that we together should go down to the store room and make an inventory. He looked at me with his big brown eyes and with a little smile on his face. We walked down together and I asked nicely for the barn key and he politely gave it to me. I put in the big key in the keyhole and tried to open the door but somehow it was jammed. I tried to pull harder and now my Swedish Viking cool started to fade away once again. Albert just stood quietly behind me and said nothing. After a couple of minutes trying to open the door I gave up and turned to Albert and said, what the heck is going on? He looked at me and with a big smile and said with a calm voice I nailed it sir. He had nailed it with 24 nails in the belief that he would not be fired. Have you ever seen a boiling Viking with the horns on the helmet turning towards the matador?

I am still learning and the moral of the story is that I was wrong and he was right BUT it Hurts……..